My father is an interesting man. He is highly intelligent. He is an extemely well functioning alcoholic. Sometimes I admire what he’s done out in the world. But what he’s done in his home life and the torment he’s caused his children outweigh his good in the community (in my book). John and I both agree on this.
The outside world would be very surprised to know the truth about this man. He’s a closet raging alcoholic. In his professional life he is very different and has done many good things for people.
He was raised by a man who was also a raging angry person. I have no idea if my grandfather was an alcoholic or not because I didn’t know him before he was infirm. I can’t ask because my entire family is in denial. The things I do know about my grandfather I know from my own father. We do have a relationship where we’ve been able to speak to each other over the years. I have no doubt this man loves me and does have some of my best intersts in his heart. Yes, I do love him despite all the anguish he has caused in my life. He has also told me so in words and deeds.
I have stuggled with my relationship with my father over the years, but I do understand where he is coming from. I also am like him in some ways which gives us that connection I can’t deny.
I don’t know when my father started drinking. By my birth, he was already an established alcoholic. He was about 28 years old then. It is one of the biggest secrets in my family. It is not talked about. It is ignored. It has done so much damage to his five children that I can just begin to tell the story here of my life with my father.
And I will have to speak for Lee since she never had a chance for herself. The impact Lee had on my life was profound starting from her birth as my older sister and ending by her death a few years ago.
I will also speak for my other siblings who are afraid of my father. I don’t blame them. I am also afraid of his rage. One never knows how he’ll behave at a given time so one has to tread gently around him.
This is the beginning of my story with my father. I have much to go before I can rest easy.