When I was five, my parents decided that three children was no longer enough. John and I were so excited about my mother’s pregnancy. Things had calmed down during this time and all attention was focused on our mom and the impending arrival. John and I often discussed how it would be having a new baby brother or sister in the mix. We were actually very excited and wanted a new sibling. Then our new brother arrived. Brian was welcomed very warmly by the older brother and sister. Sadly, those feelings changed rather quickly. It became patently obvious who the new favored son would be. John was passed by like a ship in the night. He had even less meaning to my parents now that Brian had come into our family. This was not a recipe for a good healthy sibling relationship. John soon learned to despise Brian. The jealousy fueled heartless attacks on both me and Brian. It was a tough situation and one I had to grow accustomed to with John. Things changed and got much worse after Brian was born. John often attacked me out of pure rage of jealousy. I was helpless because our mother was busy with the baby. Our mother often left us alone to figure out our problems for ourselves. John was busy beating up on me and my parents didn’t notice.
It was a tough situation for me since I worshiped the ground John walked on. In my eyes, he could do no wrong. On the other hand, he was enthusiastically hitting me whenever he felt like it. I didn’t like the way he was treating me. But he was also my closest family member and friend. He took out all his rage on me because he could.
As Brian grew, John also learned to take out his rage on him as well.
As Brian grew, I learned to be jealous of him and hate him for the love he had from my parents. Not once did I ever see Brian beaten in any way, and this made my anger grow. I had huge amounts of anger towards my mother and father for what they were doing to me. I had huge amounts of anger towards John for treating me badly. I also had huge amounts of anger towards Brian for being born into our family.
Brian hadn’t done much of anything to gain so much ill will towards him except being born.
It was a horrible recognition in my life that I had not one feeling of love towards Brian until I was a grown adult woman. My memories of him are painful ones. I never once felt that sisterly bond with him growing up. I was jealous of him from very early on. He caused a lot of changes in our family which were mostly bad.
Lee moved out of our home after Brian was born My mother could not take care of an infant and my retarded sister and the same time. Lee left me alone. Brian came and did nothing for me. I felt bereft of a family that didn’t really care about me. I was completely isolated and turned within myself. I put up emotional walls that have lasted a lifetime. They became good and strong even to this day.
It was at this time my walls were formed. My father would yell at me and it was like hearing him in the distance. It got to the point where I didn’t really hear the insults he was hurtling at me. My father would hit me and it was like he was hitting someone else. This dulled the physical pain for me. The problem was that it also dulled my emotions as well. I became an expert at hiding what I was feeling. There was absolutely no way I was going to let anyone through the barrier I erected around my soul. There was no way I would let another human being hurt me the way my father was hurting me. This was what led to me being broken inside.
*******I’m hoping the truth will set me free.*******