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family rules

Hiding Under the Bed

In the seventies moms used to be stay at home moms and take care of their kids.  This was usually a good thing for children.  I’m guessing on some level it was also good for me and my siblings.  Although my mother would generally ignore us until she was forced to deal with one of us.  Summers were usually the longest time of year.  All I ever remember hearing my mother saying was how she really hated summers and having the kids home from school for so long.  This is the times our family ran into most of its troubles.  My mother would lose patience.  My father would tire of listening to all the complaining from both his spouse and his kids.  Tempers would erupt on all sides.  My father would eventually blow like Mt. St. Helen’s.  My mother would be soon to follow.  It was not just my father beating the kids.  It was my mother, too.  She would hit me to get me to shut up.   She often chased me with normal household objects in a menacing way.  In other words, she would hit me with a broom if I let her catch me.  I was always running away from the woman.  And she was always screaming at me to stop running so she could catch me and swipe me with objects like her broom.  You see, I was smarter than her and that was a huge threat to her.  Instead of encouraging my creativity and intelligence, she squashed it like a bug.  She tried her best to keep me down.  It was a constant stream of insults that landed very precisely in my lap.  I learned the lessons well.  I was not to be able to use my intelligence or creativity to outshine her.  No matter what.  I was not to outdo her in any way.  This was the message I learned loud and clear growing up.  I was told I was ugly.  I was told I had an ugly foul mouth.  I was told I was a whore.  I was told I was born with everything I could ever want so why was I not happy.  The next day my mother would feel guilty and then tell me I was beautiful.  I was supposed to forget the lessons of the previous day telling me how ugly and useless I was to her and my family.  I never knew how to feel about myself growing up.  I internalized this all and decided to take the negative route and believe myself ugly.  It was a hard time.

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I will not be silent anymore.

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