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alcoholism

The second memory

My previous post is called recovered memories. The second stirred memory was behind the reason I started therapy again during this time. I was having trouble with dealing with my young daughters and their stage of development during the terrible two stage. One of my daughters would throw herself down in front of me to get my attention. And she would sit there and scream in an uncontrollable rage. There was nothing I could do but let her run through the course of her rage. What I wanted to do was kick her. I couldn’t understand my reaction. What I did was run into the bathroom and lock the door until the feeling passed. This happened with fairly regular occurrence. It sent me back into therapy.

My therapist again told me to let the memories come back to me naturally. It could not be forced. When there was a memory floating around in my head I was to let it surface and come discuss it with her in a safe environment. What came back to me was terrifying.

I used to do the same thing when I was in a tantrum. I used to throw myself on the floor and start screaming. Just like my daughter was doing. The memory that I remembered was my father being there and kicking me in order to shut me up. He would bring back his leg and let his foot haul into my mid section.

I think of it as a blessing I don’t remember the pain. I can imagine the pain though. And that is enough. In fact, imaging the pain is more than plenty enough. I cannot believe my father used to do this to me. It still sends chills down my spine. All my life, I had thought the abuse began when I was a bit older in kindergarten. And here came this unwilling memory into my brain from a time when I was in my terrible two stage. I do not know how old I am when this happened. I am not sure how often it happened. It could have been once. It could have been a lot more than once.

It did answer the question of why I was having these feelings towards my daughter when she went into her tantrums. It made a lot of sense. It was a long stretch for me to have to deal with these feelings, but I did come out stronger for dealing with my emotional pain.

This was also the end of my wanting to remember my past abuse. I made a conscious decision to stop remembering. I did not want to go through this and I figured that my brain had suppressed the memories for a reason. I had remembered enough to help me through my current crisis. I did not feel the need to recover any more memories from that lost place in my brain. The two memories I had brought back were plenty.

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About advocateformutiny

I will not be silent anymore.

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