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family rules

My relationship with Brian

I was almost six years old by the time Brian was born.  I had just lost my older sister, Lee, into no man’s land.  I missed her terribly.  I don’t remember associating Lee leaving with a new baby coming.  It has become obvious to me writing this journal that this was the reason Lee left us was because my parents felt they could no longer take care of a special needs child like Lee and take care of a newborn.

I knew my mother was pregnant.  John and I were excited about the prospect of a new baby.  Everything changed in our family dynamic when Brian arrived.  It quickly became apparent that Brian was very intelligent and could be the saving grace of my parents hopes and dreams.  My mother started placing this young child on a pedestal.  My father began shifting all his free time to Brian.  His focus was on continuing the family hierarchy and grooming Brian to be the next best greatest lawyer in the family.  All this going on by the time the kid was four or five years old.  Did I mention he was a smart child?  He knew what was going on.  He learned to manipulate my parents at a very early age to get what he wanted.  And my parents let him manipulate them because they wanted Brian to be the next best greatest lawyer.  Anything he wanted would become his.  

This included my things.  Luckily I was a girl and there was not much I had that he wanted.  Although I did have a rocking horse in my room named Brownie.  She was one of my childhood   friends that I was very attached to and I would come home and ride her after school.  I loved Brownie.  She was like a big stuffed animal toy to me.  And I could relieve some of my stress by riding her.  One day when I was about eight, I came home and Brownie was no longer in my room.  I found her residing in my younger siblings room.  I was outraged.  I started screaming at my younger brother and sister.  They were sitting on the floor playing with each other in front of my rocking horse.  My mother came in and told me that I was too old for the rocking horse and that Brian wanted it now.  I had no choice.  I never rode my rocking horse again.  I was angry.  This was just an example of how my life went.  My things were often taken away and given to Brian or Hannah.  

I did not like this.  

But then I did not like being ousted as Daddy’s Little Girl either.  Brian became the clear favorite with both my parents.  I was no longer brought to my father’s office.  I was no longer talked to like I was a sweet girl.  I became nothing to my father.  I lost my father.  Now I really felt like I had nothing from him.  

I did not like this.

I blamed Brian.  I took out a lot of my frustration and anger on Brian.  I did not like Brian.  

John did not like any of this either.  He developed a real animosity and hatred of Brian.  We both grew to really hate this kid.  There was a lot of sibling rivalry.  And Brian knew he had the upper hand since he knew his parents were beating us and not him.  He knew his parents loved him and not us.  

I grew up not liking Brian.  I grew up jealous of Brian and what he had.  

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About advocateformutiny

I will not be silent anymore.

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